15 February was big, but just for a little while XD Wasn't as bad as I thought it'll be after all, I have my life to lead too :)

This month so far has been an eventful one, and its just about to get better. I'm thankful for the time and company that you people have given me, really appreciate it :)

I've told myself quite some time ago that should Evanescence ever come to Singapore for their tour, I'll go for it, alone if I must. And right now they're coming over soon, the concert is on this Monday! :D Found out about it sometime last week, kinda late, but there are still good seats left :) problem is whether I should go for the seats or the standing pen? Hmm, decisions decisions.

Evanescence has been a big help to me since their first album came out. Its been about 9 years since 2003, 3 albums have been released so far. Quite a huge gap in between the albums, but the music has always been good. It has always been a wonderful experience to be able to relate to their songs and feel the powerful emotions behind it, or just listen to their soothing songs to sleep. Their songs have done much for me in this recovery period too, so much.

So this concert I will attend! I know it'll be great, to be supporting them and listening to them live :D

A final note. I sincerely hope you're doing well, things hardly seem to be what I thought after reading on it, a far cry from what I thought. The things you never really talked about and kept inside. Perhaps I should probe, you know you can trust me. Just talk about it, it helps usually. But perhaps you'll just feel bad talking about such things. So I don't know.

Until next time la, take care, stay strong. We tell each other that, keep that in mind and never forget, life is more than this.

I can make it. Not by sitting here, thinking so much and getting affected so badly by everything around me. No.

Do better :)

A prayer, the same as every single day, but stronger than ever before.

I know somewhere in my heart, I wish for justice to be done, for a little work of karma. Yet another part of me knows that, what will that do for any one of us?

Please just let me tide through this day.

I'm thankful for those who are sparing their time tomorrow. Really, thank you :)

It's been a while!

I've gotten better thanks to everyones' time and support. And it's time to give back. To be better than before.

Life goes on, and I don't think I'll be using this space as much as before now.

Way less. :)

It just keeps coming back. I guess it'll never go away. Numbed to the pain, but the memories remain unforgotten. Knowing me, it is unlikely that they'd die like you did.

Absolute words once again, again with the "never"s, "will"s etc in a negative context. I know this person before, I've fought him and you helped me win. But you've brought it back too.

No, not you. It is all up to myself what I choose to think and feel. It isn't easy, but that's life.

No easy way out. I will fight on, alone.

Alone. But still well alive.

You know who you are, if you're reading this, please stop. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I apparently have.

How much it hurts, to be called a burden. Not just by any simple person, not a mere stranger, but the one you've loved with all your heart all this while. Suddenly things just changed and hit me, it was too much to bear and to take. And there was simply no chance for me to breathe, no time for me to think it through, it all happened in a flash. And I never got to see you even one time just to try to work things out. At that point, sure, there was nothing left to be said, the love that was once so beautiful just died on the spot without much deliberation.

No chance, no mercy. Discarded, used and thrown away. The past, the memories mean nothing, for it is the now that matters. The promises of being there for each other always, that we'll make it through, that we'll always be true to each other and try to work things out between us. So they were nothing but empty promises.

I took them for real, I took your word for it. I did my best, I always tried to be there when you needed me, helping you out whenever I could, staying strong when you were away and out of the country for months, with no booking in and out, nights out whatsoever. Never doubting us, never faltering, never wavering.

You couldn't even last two months, and just turned and bared your fangs at me, a person I completely didn't know.

And after all that, much more was lost. So many friends. So much. Why can't I just discard all these like you've done with love?

It's not even right for you to do this with friendships, let alone with love. But with you giving up on me just like that... It makes it so difficult to hold on to everything else now.

When so many people have given up on me already, the many people that I thought would be there for me, even without this happening.

But hey, this doesn't mean I'll give up now.

Life goes on. It's difficult to go on like this, but that's no reason to stop trying.

I... Loved you.

I hope that's the last of it, after hearing all this today.

New skin, new understanding, new way of life. Living everything anew.

I remember saying this many posts back:

"I pray that you'll tide through this, rough period of time and come out even stronger. Some pains aren't worth enduring, some emotions aren't worth keeping, some memories aren't worth cherishing, sometimes it's better if we let go. We should when it comes to this."

Though the case somewhat differs, this still applies. I said it myself. Should learn to heed it. To practice what I've preached lol. But it's never worked this way has it? XD

You died. And so should I. Like you, I'll be alive again and better. I just need so much more time.

Even if it means going it out alone, I will fight on. Or at least till my sanity gives way, Seletar Camp is madness! XD

Just kidding, I'll make it. :)

I'll be alive again.

It starts from tomorrow onwards. Almost all preparations are done. Just need a little more time out of tomorrow to finish it once and for all.

:) I'll be alive again.

Know pain, know hardship, for how else will you truly appreciate happiness and everything else around you? Do you really appreciate how good it is to be well, healthy and still alive? Do you know how much untapped potential you have in you? There's just so much ahead of all of us.

Why live in decadence, why complain when the going gets tough? Why run away and give up just because of small little setbacks? Even if those are major setbacks, so what? Fight on and come out stronger.

Live so much better. And now, fight for your dreams, do your very best. No excuses, no complaints. Just dedication and discipline.

The day is almost here. Make your life a more meaningful one, for the world doesn't revolve around you, you make it a better place on your own.

OJE extended by 1 week, no complains there, more time for me to transit. The past week has been quite fierce, really hope that the conclusion of our OJE will be an ideal one, at least give me something that I can live with for 1 year plus more. We shall see, either way, suck thumb haha.

I'm really thankful though, getting to go out and just have fun again. Sure, there's no running away from the pain no matter how hard you try, but at least it's good to know that some people are still around for you.

The pain, it shows that you're still alive. With that, I'll keep trying to embrace it and move on.

Still, I can't help but to keep thinking, where are you my friend? I thought you'd never leave. In the past you told me it'll really hurt you if I walked out, so I promised you that I'll never do that to you. Where are you now? Just hope you're still the same person I used to know.

1 more week to go.

It felt as though I had a knife through my heart since last night, no kidding nor exaggerating here, seriously. It's as though something happened which I shouldn't know about. My mind playing tricks on me again? Or am I still connected in spite of all this?

All the misery that keeps accumulating and coming back to you in waves, put it aside. Learn to come to an understanding. The more shit that comes my way, the more it makes sense now.

Come out stronger, don't you dare collapse and give up now.

7th October should mark the end of OJE, from then I'll really put in all my effort, to make a change.

Really hope what you said was true, and may that day come soon enough.

In the meantime, learn to live better, keep that heart well and pumping. So much you can achieve over 2 years of free time, use it well.

Nothing much left to say now I guess, until next time! :)

Wonder how long can I keep this up. I don't wanna change just like this. But the longer this goes on, the less meaning it is to be a nice person anymore.

I said I'd leave you alone to the best of my ability, so you can be happy and free. So if you're reading this and don't think you can take it, then I guess you should stop like, now. I need to vent all this out, bottling it all up by myself, I'll seriously just lose it someday.

I don't want to go back to those old days where I hated myself, her and everything else, I can look back and know how stupid that was, how it wasn't helping anything.

But this time it's different. This time I did get the girl. This time we got closer than I thought I could get with anyone else. This time I thought it'll be the one and only time. This time I thought we were invincible. That we would always be there for each other no matter what, through thick and thin, for all time. I mean, isn't that what you do for someone you truly love?

I gave it my all. Sure I had my flaws, we had our flaws. And that's when arguments happened, but we were supposed to move on and improve on ourselves each time it happens. Nobody argues over no reason at all. And frankly, most of the time that we argue, you couldn't see my point and I couldn't see yours. To both of us, each of us were just being ridiculous. And it always came to the conclusion that we'll just put it aside and move on.

No relationship is perfect after all, no one is. Definitely you'll face those ups and downs and arguments amidst those good times. But it's part of loving one another that we choose to improve on ourselves and become better for one another.

I'd like to bring back this quote that I guess will stick with me for quite a long time since the last time I heard it.

" When something or someone is really giving you problems, then stop and think about it: ' Do I really have to let this bother me? ' "

I never knew you would someday think like that too. But now looking at the environment you and I were put in, it comes as no surprise.

Seriously. OK I shouldn't say anything more before this gets uglier.

But know this. In spite of all that has happened, I can never bring myself to hate you. Because I wasn't the one who let go of all this, it's not that I'm still hanging on in hope of us getting back together again, for I know it's no longer possible.

If you believe you're happier now, having not to go through what we had to go through, being apart for months while you headed back home, being from a different JC, staying a distance from each other, struggling through NS, then go ahead, you know I just want you to be happy like always.

I meant it when I said I had too much to live for, which was you. I meant it when I said you were worth the pain. And I believed in you.

Now look what happened, look how it crumbled.

Sorry but I just had to be selfish for a bit. I can't keep living like this. I don't have a new partner with me to keep me going. Not like I need it, or any sort of replacement for that matter. I don't have the fun life you're having now.

Yet in spite of all this. You know. I'll still always be there for you no matter what.

I guess now even if something does happen in CBRE, I'd go with less regret. But it shouldn't be that fierce la eh? XD

OK, I should get going.

Breathe. Breathe. Remember to breathe properly. Apparently you're still quite alive.

It's painful, most certainly, but it's reality. Don't deny it, don't run away from it, just face it. Just accept it.

In fact, in a way it's good to know that it hurts so much, for how long, we'll just have to see.

Seriously gotta pick myself up again and get back to the life I used to know. The upcoming 1+ years will be long, make the best out of it, become better than I used to be.

Thank you, for everything, for the good times. Sorry to have been a boyfriend with so many issues. And congratulations, all the best to the two of you.

:)

Life. Live on.

Let's see how this week goes before we say anything.

It's the block leave alright. Perhaps a tinge of hope to straighten things out, or at least my thoughts.

:) It gets so difficult to carry on smiling sometimes. Especially now.

Yet there's no getting out of it, just tank and live it through, with whatever support I have.

Take 2 years of my life, and for some reason, I seem to be losing everything already. Of course I know, it's what and how I think of things.

The countless times you've told yourself, can you pick yourself up already?!?

Now look how far you've come? Good job. Is anyone supposed or obliged to help you? And can't you help yourself?

This isn't healthy lol. I'll get off now.

Guess last week went quite badly, accompanied with sickness. Couldn't and didn't feel like going out, spending time with family really did help quite a lot, really don't know what I'd do without them.

Now this week went much better, finger healing up and looking better, just came back from a fruitful day with friends, and tomorrow shall rest up and have more family time. Thanks to those who made today a better day! :)

Whatever goes on in camp throughout the week will really affect your mood when you book out. It's good if you have friends there who are close to you and will make things better.

But I guess in army, it's difficult to think about how others will feel, to hell with your sensitivity. So? Just let everything happen and pass you by.

With all else aside, today really was a good day in a long time. But we mustn't forget to get back to reality.

Later on today, it's back to camp I go. :)

------------------------------------
Map Of The Problematique - Muse
------------------------------------




------------------------------------------
Fear
And panic in the air
I want to be free
From desolation and despair
And I feel
Like everything I saw
Is being swept away
When I refuse to let you go

I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?

Life
Will flash before my eyes
So scattered and lost
I want to touch the other side
And no one
Thinks they are to blame
Why can't we see
That when we bleed we bleed the same?

I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?
------------------------------------------

Why can't we see,that when we bleed we bleed the same?

I wish I knew, but it wouldn't matter if I did.

Never could handle things right anyway.

Perhaps I'm just crazy. Unable to focus, unable to do everything at once. I've tried, but I guess I'm just not good enough. Just one person after all.

I'll just have to do what I can, with whatever time that's left. No point not doing anything just because of all the things that I can't do.

I just hope that you all will understand.

The time is coming! Haha :)

Better now :) Almost done with everything, no regrets from here on out.

I may be clumsy, I may have been a disappointment, perhaps it may have even been weird.

But I've always meant well.

OK time to sleep!

Just keep finding a reason to beat yourself up, when will you ever become stronger? When will you stop falling over all these tiny details? When will you learn to understand and to ask less of everyone? Just who do you think you are?

Damn, just when I was the one telling my friend how we shouldn't think like this, I start becoming like this. Epic isn't it? Not practicing what I preach.

I keep forgetting my place in this setting. Like I've told myself countless of times.

Yeah, I should just shut up. Kill these emotions. How humane.

Now to carry on to look for some random song I heard at HMV today but have no idea what title it is, or by whom. Just know it sounds like Muse, just not as awesome. The TV screens there gave me the song that was playing, but now that I search for it, it wasn't the song -.-

Off I go then.

Keep forgetting my place in such a setting. Another thing that will take some time to learn.

Yet no matter what, I'll still stick to what's been planned. And just get through with it.

Nobody said life was perfect. Just make and think the best of it. :)

Another blogpost, haha!

It's been days since the last one, of course much has happened. Needless to say, one of them being the A Levels results. Oh look, I already said it. -.-

That's not the worst of it, there's also the conflict about having to decide what to put for University course choices. I know I've pretty much set my mind on going into teaching, the problem now lies with which path to take to get into it. And will I even get through?

We have some time, let's slowly and carefully think things through, we'll figure something out in time to come.

Hmm.. yet somehow, with everything else put aside, unexplainably, feeling somewhat miserable. :x Every single day of work passes me by, don't know where that brings me. I think I need some time to catch up with the other things in life.

Perhaps a day off is in order, I don't know.

Or I just need to plan my schedule better.

It's funny how you can get so concerned with how people feel and think about you, what people see and talk of you, only to realize after what seems to be an eternity of circular arguments that you don't have to care when they don't anyway.

It takes a little getting used to, but I guess eventually..

You'll just have to learn. Guess that's what life is mainly about, learning XD

Losing touch with the world. If NS is going to make things worse, then it's high time I make some changes.

For now, just struggling with work matters. Can't say that I'll be happy to leave the place, yet some things call for a sigh of relief by then. Sad to say.

The future will always remain unknown, just bide your time and it will tell.

And in the spare time, how should it be spent properly? Hmm...

Crumbling. Crumbling. Yet you can't fall right now XD

Been a hectic time over at work, not just mentally and physically draining at times but emotionally as well.

What to do, we're only human. Gotta be strong :)

See Past The Superficial.

Care, only for those who matter.

Write it off, don't let your heart ache any further when it is pointless.

It's a crazy world that we live in, we can only learn to adapt, to come out stronger from each obstacle that may come our way.

Voice. And The Confidence Behind It.

For most people, there probably would have been many times in which we just feel down, not good enough, simply put - inferior.

While some may have developed a strong enough confidence in themselves in their early years, some others don't have it that easy. It all boils down to how you perceive things.

To be content with certain things that you happen to excel in. To have the knowledge that you're striving for things that you wish to fight for. To be able to block out everything else in life that tries to drag you down. It all comes with confidence.

So if you think nothing of yourself, that you're a good for nothing and there's nothing to be liked about you, then how can a single ounce of confidence be built in the first place?

All this while in this pursuit, most of it has just been about me feeling inferior, with you having to pull me back to my senses and get me back on track. Only to have me go back to the inferiority once more, and the cycle repeats. I'm glad that I have a friend like you, but there's only so much patience and stamina that any person can give.

I can try. I can practice. But after much thought, I feel that there's a very persistent underlying problem that I've never been able to fix.

I don't believe in myself. And it took me just that one incident to let the truth hit me in the face.

Every time we see or hear some performance going on, it instills this desperate urge, to just become a part of all this. To be able to play good music and influence people. That's what I've always thought about.

But then there lies a difference. At least you have the confidence to back things up. While I don't. And that sucks. The worst part is that I don't know what to do about it, and with each passing day, this only serves to disappoint not only you, but myself as well.

Thus it's another night where I can't go to sleep again.

So many people said that it couldn't be done, I wouldn't make it, it's a stupid thing to do, yet I went ahead to take the first step to pursue it, I wanted to. Yet somehow all the discouragement from before have been deeply engraved in my mind. Can't seem to muster the confidence as much as I wanted to. Can't get it out of my head.

Pick up the guitar. And the memories come flooding in again. It's already difficult enough to psycho myself to practice at home, preferably with no one around, let alone perform to other people. It shows, I fumbled in front of the few people that I knew.

This mental barrier has to be overcome before any further significant progress can be made, that's for sure.

Be confident, that others would love to hear of what you have to share.

I'm so sorry.

Also, life seems to be presenting more conflicts once more. I am but one person. I wish to be better for the people that I care for, but I think I'm quite messed up now. Slowly work things out. Slowly.

Today's post in a long time begins with this question.

How far are you able to kill your emotions?

Emotional attachments have probably played a major part in most of peoples' lives. Say, for instance, a young child who loved his water bottle so much and brought it everywhere, kept it by his side all the time; only to lose it one fine day. Yeah, simplicity and childlike innocence displayed in this example.

Of course the boy would be terribly sad. And that feeling, can also be referred to as hurt. Resulting from a loss, damage or termination of an emotional attachment.

Why do some of us even get emotionally attached in the first place? For that sense of security? For that warm fuzzy feeling that envelopes us, the feeling of acceptance or being at ease? It seems innate in most of us in the beginning, especially when we are young, to get emotionally attached to many things, leaving ourselves vulnerable and prone to getting hurt.

Our favorite pencil case, our dear cuddly toys or perhaps even a flimsy and dirty bolster that we used to hug to sleep at night. We may get hurt when we lose these things that we once held dear, yet we may learn to become stronger from the hurt, or it could go another way, in which we develop a greater need for greater emotional attachments.

Gradually, later on in our lives, I believe all this hurt could lead to at least 3 possible outcomes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

1) We Just Can't Seem To Let Go. The increased need for emotional attachment and affirmation causes us to cling. We hold on in the hope that these bonds are still there and lasting, even when they are already broken or non existent. We hold on even when it hurts or disappoints. Because we cherish and go all out for all that we hold dear. However, perhaps due to this condition, it may seem that there is simply too much that we cherish. It is impossible to love everything and everyone that we encounter, much less for them to reciprocate the same emotions back to us.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

2) We Know What's Important. The sentence speaks for itself. All the hurt that we have gone through in life may also have taught us this valuable lesson that, only those that are important deserve our emotional attachment. We know how to treat the right people right, and the wrong people right. We've learnt how to deal with all sorts of people. Say, be nice to friendly people and don't pay too much attention to assholes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

3) Do We Know What's Important? All that hurt throughout our lives so far has taught us this. Enough with this. Time to cut off most ties, shut ourselves off from most people and stay in our shells. No more emotional attachments.

- It's time to kill our emotions.

------------------------------------------------------

Of course, how we respond to our thoughts of emotional attachments may differ from person to person. A person who just doesn't know how to let go may not know how to maintain these emotional bonds well, and gradually loses most of the people that he cares for. Or should he know how to do so, but just can't seem to handle the overwhelming load of relationships that he has forged.

But that is not exactly of concern over here. How far are you able to kill your emotions?

If you are able to eradicate your emotions almost completely, does that imply that you are the superior one? For you would then become no longer vulnerable to hurt?

But should you have the lack of emotional support behind your back, how far would that actually bring you in life?

There is this, plague that is possibly spreading quickly through the world. This disregard for others.

Disregard for others' lives, religion, race, and emotions.

Lives taken for granted when people are killed over little or no reason.

Religions getting mocked at or used.

Racist remarks here and there.

Emotions regarded as squat.

Who gives a shit? It's all about the individual these days.
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Hello! Good job if you've read up till this point, wonder who still reads this space anyways. The above just came into mind. I've been thinking about a lot of things at work.

Yes, been working since last week. The first week was said to be a tough week. No kidding haha, there was much walking and talking to do, and me having flat soles wasn't helping. But I got through it. There were funny and awkward experiences every now and then, yet I am thankful for everything that has happened, there had always been something to learn from all this.

Life in future will be like this too. I've really learnt to cherish my times with people, most importantly family and friends. Got a better planned and organized way of life as well. So work is good in that sense.

I'm sorry that I couldn't have been better though. For most things. These I still have to work on. To Be A Better Man.

We'll see in time, I'll keep trying :)

On a last but not least note as always, take care my friend.. All I can do is just, hope for the best and do what I can, whatever that is within my means.

Empty. And it's probably just going to get worst.

It's funny, how the end of A Levels would supposedly bring about a new lease of freedom, as we no longer have to struggle and fight for grades in the meantime. We can just sit back, relax, and practically do whatever we want now eh? Everything legal that is. XD

Anyway anyway.. I don't know why but apparently it isn't going the way it's hyped up to be about. With all the recent happenings and what's about to happen, I feel lost, stuck in a complex dilemma and simply do not know what to do. Empty.

One - Regret
-For all the lost times, all the lost chances of being there for others, all the misplaced priorities, the lost friendships and god knows what else has vanished. Yet most of it is gone for good. Simply regretting and lamenting would not do you any good. Make do with what you have and whatever time you have left. Continuing to feel empty wouldn't get you anywhere and there's probably nothing much you can do about things anyway.

Two - Dilemma
-The inability to choose one out of a variety of options. In this situation, the indecisive would face a difficult internal conflict. You could run away from having to choose, yet may your conscience haunt you. In my case the right option is pretty clear, yet given the current circumstances, heavy opportunity costs are involved as well, hence the severe dilemma.

I'm seriously at a loss.

Three - Pursuit
- Find a job, resume band practices, catch up with friends etc. Will there be time?

I think I seriously need to talk to someone who'll straighten all this out.

On a final and most important note:

I pray that you'll tide through this, rough period of time and come out even stronger. Some pains aren't worth enduring, some emotions aren't worth keeping, some memories aren't worth cherishing, sometimes it's better if we let go. We should when it comes to this. Take care..

And here's where it all ends, the 2 year long arduous journey. Time to go down memory lane~

Don't know who will read this, in particular any YJCians, but nonetheless, just felt like reminiscing.

Most certainly, it was a strange, yet thrilling new feeling, having to step into a new school, meet new people, facing a new and probably harsher education system than before.

Most of us were quiet, perhaps fearful of befriending the wrong company, or simply shy to get to know someone new. So most of them tried their best to find their secondary schoolmates, recognize primary schoolmates while some individuals chose to try and befriend some of these new strangers.

Well, the class that I got into, had absolutely no one that I knew. Richie and Shawn got into the same class, while Shi Yuan ended up in some other class solo as well, and that was it for the Catholic High boys that got into YJC. So yup, it took quite an effort to try and bond with the people, when you're all alone.

Thankfully, it started off quite well, orientation was rather fun and finally got to know most of the people in the class from that. Once in a while, some people joined the class, while others left. For those who left, there wasn't much of a chance to get to know them better. And for those that just joined, it probably meant another lively member of the class to get to know. As the saying goes, the more the merrier eh? XD And it was these new friendships that wiped off my thoughts of transferring to CJC, with the additional incentive that it's so nearby. :X

Following orientation was a round of lectures and mini lessons (was there?). It was quite intimidating, especially with Mathematics bringing in new complicated stuff like Summation and Series which I seriously couldn't understand no matter how much I racked my brains for it. Times like this makes you wish that teachers like Mrs Chew was there in YJC to help :/ But nope, new school, new teachers, new independent learning. Luckily there was Richie who helped to shed some light onto the topic XD Really saved me back there. :D

Then came the orientation camp at Bintan. The long time that we spent together and the fun activities that we shared really lead us to know each other better, or at least that was what I thought. Either way, it was a refreshing and wonderful experience, something I doubt I'll forget. (Remember the stupid non-stop jokes late into the night? XD)

And then the rest of the years pretty much flashed by, making friends, losing friends, gradually and unknowingly drifting away from most people, disputes, laughters, outings, funny incidents in lessons, failing Mathematics non-stop, sleeping in class, etc.

As the mugging for A levels went by, I got to look at my old notes again, on which there were many memories left imprinted upon. All the crazy doodles and writings that some people would've added on to the notes, although most were by me XD

Anyway, that's all in the past. I made friends, I lost some, and some mysteriously vanished. Times are strange but we should all move on, it's only the present that matters :)

Last paper to go! :D