Ugh, horribly painful.

Wrong views, wrong mindsets.

I'm undeveloped.

I'm easily tired, I'm lazy. I've become some piece of crap. And constantly thinking about it only makes me feel worse.

And I take whatever people say to me and channels it into something worse. I'm that disastrous and atrocious a case.

Had a long talk with most of the HODs today. Was a bit useful, I guess. Besides, I never was able to make my motivation last.

I behave like some retarded child, only that I'm so big already. I have spasms too. LOL. Disgusted.

I really feel so horrible. I seriously don't understand why I feel like shit that my parents are not coming for PTM. They never did. I'm suppose to be big enough to fend for my own, but I guess I'm not.

I don't know how I got so undeveloped.

I shouted out a joke and no one laughed. Gran said the joke again, and the whole class roared with laughter. Not trying to say that he stole it from me, which he obviously didn't, but it brought me down too.

Felt so unheard. I was sure many people within my radius heard me say it. Ugh.

And for the entire day I was so depressed ( as I always was ), thinking about how I always had to force people to give a listening ear, how I always had to get people to care.

But it is no longer happening.

I don't know what I'm saying. I hate myself for not being able to think clearly now.

I look like a failed businessman. How true, LOL. Dong Hui is spot on.

I hardly give any other expression except for depression and laughter ( fake ). Gran is right.

Ugh, so wrong. So hopeless. So not expressive. Useless.

So you want to wake up? So you want to grow shorter from slouching? I know Allah means well, but I take his words and channel his words into more depression. Perhaps it would be better if I hear it from other people.

Like it could happen.

I want to stop the spasms. Something is seriously wrong with me. And I hate it so much.

I hate me so much.

I know you do too.

Think about the future. I don't see it.

DAMN IT LA.

I never felt angry before. I have never beat someone up before. I am that nice. Big toothy smiles with heartaches on top.