I wrenched my heart once more. But, I have no wrench to wrench it with, I didn't know how it got wrenched without a wrench.

Oh, wait, I do.

I have a family who doesn't love me. Maybe my brother does, but I think I sense the love is fading away.

He may still love me as a brother, but I just can't say for sure, not now. I used to be able to acknowledge this with assurance.

Ah Bao is my little brother.

Ah Bee is me.

Our nicknames at home. If you're going to make fun of it, just try. Because its stupid to joke about it when there's nothing funny to it, so I won't care.

So today I recalled one certain morning, when my brother came into my room while I was playing DS.

" Eh, Ah Bee, where's Ah Bao? "

" He went out to eat breakfast with Ma. "

" Oh ok. "

That was the day I took it real hard. Since some time last year, he started to talk a lot less to me, and gave more attention to my little brother, who is currently P5. And even when he talks to me, it would be about anime and other stuff. Even so, our conversation ends off abrupt and cold most of the time.

We used to talk about everything, and shared many things and problems with each other.

And now, I don't see anything of the sort happening. I wouldn't expect it anyway.

I know, as the older brother, it is wrong to be jealous of your little brother getting more attention.

But I'm not getting any attention, not any proper attention. Nothing to compare with, so I'm not jealous of Ah Bao. I'm just miserable.

Quite pathetic, I sound rather gay too. Well, it's what happens when you finally had a single person who cared for you, and doesn't show the care to you anymore.

He is busy and tired and has many things on his hands. So I should understand that he cannot afford to give me the attention and care, I'm supposedly old enough to be able to understand that.

But wait, he can still look for my little brother?

Never mind, I can safely say this, I am not truly loved by almost the whole family.

Well, to whoever may be reading this, if you think your family loves you, YAY.

Also, some of you may know, there's this special person in my life too.

I told my brother about my crush yesterday morning at breakfast, in an attempt to share something personal.

Talk, talk talk. He asked that I show him pictures when we get home.

When we got home, he didn't look for me to see the pictures. Not that he had to, but since he didn't do so, I didn't get to show him.

Haha, it really sucks.

And regarding her, I thought about the picture of him and her again today. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, it sort of still haunts me.

I shouldn't bother about it and continue trying, she is seemingly the only purpose I have in continuing my life.

Allah even deleted that picture from my phone. It helps, but the picture still exists, in my mind and where she uploaded it.

Unbearable pain, may I seek solace by running blades on my skin?

She doesn't like self-mutilation, and I also have other good reasons as to why I'm shouldn't do it.

If I were to lose her, what would my purpose of living be then?