This is damn pathetic.
Really, damn pathetic.
Forget about the Prelims, I need to think of what should come next.
Pathetic.
I think I got it all figured out, perhaps it is not what I think it is.
But I pretty much got the idea already.
It won't happen. It might not happen. It......
I DON'T KNOW. Really, just tell it to my face. Then again, I'm not special enough, not close enough, you probably wouldn't tell me. I'm not there, I do not stand in that place, I do not hold such closeness to you, for you to share something like this to me.
What I need from you, I forget. You never needed anything from me.
Seems like I'm this desperate fucker who delights upon just seeing your face and talking to you, no matter how rubbish it seems.
I'm always the one talking.
You seem so special to me, someone else seems so special to you, everyone is more special to you than I am. Everyone, even includes strangers.
Of course, they're more cool, they can talk better than me, as a matter of fact, they could be better looking than I am. Not saying that you're superficial, but it's kind of a bonus/ add-on.
Or they could be worse off than me, yet something about them seems to be greater than me.
Why, I'm such a loser? Loser face? Irritating fuck? Inconfident, insecure pathetic fuck? So much for a long long ago friend.
I appear to dull you. I've never done enough for you, I wished I've had that chance. I'm even losing out to strangers and people you've met only recently. I don't even know what problems you might be facing, whatever that might be happening to you.
Fuck, that's pathetic, Kai Sheng, you're never going to get attached, not this way. You don't need to be attached to live anyway, so why do you seek it so much? Why is it that you seek HER so much?
What is it about her? Is it because she's so cute? She's so pretty? She's so interesting? Is it because you keep thinking of her and you don't know why?
I don't know why either, or rather, I forget. I don't call this infatuation really. Its just weird, could this be love?
Eh, I really can't be bothered with you anymore, Kai Sheng. I'm sick of having to entertain you so often. FUCK OFF.
Really, I'm on the brink of giving it up, it's really hopeless.
Not like me giving up or hanging on furthermore means anything to you.
I'm like this deranged fucker. I draw really weird pictures on my Prelim papers, emo it seems, or perhaps twisted.
I shouldn't make false accusations or assumptions, so, next time I see you online or something, I'm just going to ask you, what is going on.
No matter, I pretty much expect what will happen : Dude, you're not special enough, you don't deserve to know such things about me. I don't fucking care what you feel.
OK, a bit exaggerated, it's just me. But roughly get the idea?
Not special enough. Rank me at the bottom of the list. MOCK ME.
Perhaps, posting this is stupid. Gran keeps telling me, you're only a loser if you think you are. And a lot of motivating stuff. Wakes me up a little.
I don't know, I'm deranged, but this seems to be what I really feel.
Someone, please right my wrongs, correct me of my mistakes, tell me what should be done.
Too many people have given up on me already, I desperately cling on to what I have. It is very easy to say, Kai Sheng, you're damn pathetic, fuck off, I give up on you. Wait, who are you again?
It's very easy, but its damn hurting for me. But if you so readily give up on me, you wouldn't care, right, now would you?
Yi Hong, or whatever your name is, by the phone number of 82824813. You appear to be the in the same situation or something. I really wish to meet you, whoever you may be.
You may be a prankster, I'll have no choice but to fucking beat you up ( or at least try to ) for toying with my mind and feelings. If not, you're someone in the same boat, and I'd like to hear you out, haha.
And no offense, but, telling me to DON'T EMO, isn't going to work, I'm not a dog, so ya, don't do that. I, kinda feel offended.
Oh, please don't give up on me if you have hopes for me. As hopeless as I may seem.
I end off with that.
Taa.
