Math test today was surprisingly OK, haha. Even though summation seemed like an alien language even till the day before the test. Lucky there was much time for discussion and helping each other out, and so it went much better than expected. Hoping for a grade higher than E this time round. Pretty sure of it too.
I said I'll sleep earlier so I'll try and get this done as quickly as possible.
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Pig. It's how one individual takes/perceives/feels about whatever that happens around/to the individual. Simply put, if you think that your life stinks, then you'd be clouded by a foul smell everyday. If you think that your life is a sad one, then you'd be feeling sad and getting upset over every small little thing that happens, because you'll tend to take it negatively.
So when something happens to you, be it neutral or positive, you'll tend to convert it into something negative, take it and start hurting yourself. It's a bad mindset, but some people just can't help it.
I know I can't, even till this very date.
Back then I thought, no way I'm going to become someone depressed, especially looking at those commercials with people trying to commit suicide because they lost their job, lost their spouse etc. Were there such commercials? Well, it was something like that.
Back then, life was indeed very good, and so the idea of being negative or depressed never crossed my mind at all.
Can you call this depression? I doubt so, not on the verge of suicide, and really happy sometimes, when the positive happenings in life are really obvious. But when they don't last or fade away too quickly, I start feeling upset. Still can't accept the fact that people can't be there for you forever. Still asking for too much when I myself am not doing enough for others. Still thinking that I am insignificant in the eyes of others.
Wait, isn't that the case?
Can you call this emo? Well, the definition of it is rather vague. Most certainly I do not self mutilate or dress up in a weird way. But emo can also be termed as being extremely negative and sensitive to the happenings around you, or at least, I think it can be.
Think about it, in some corner of this world, there are so many others suffering and having a much worse time than you, yet they are still facing life with an attitude so much stronger. What more right do you have to feel sadder than them?
Yet, easier said than done. It's a stubborn mindset that has stuck itself to me for far too long.
When did it start? How did it start?
I believe it was sometime during Secondary 4. With the many things that happened back then, life seemed to be going downhill. Or so that was how I took it. Slowly and unconsciously, that mindset seared into my mind, hardly anything seemed great. Everything just lead to feeling uselessness, sadness, jealousy, anger and other nonsense ill feelings.
Details? Let's not go there, LOL.
Anyway now, JC life has definitely made things much better, how so? Different environment, things settling down, thinking more positively and someone being way out of my life. OK the last part isn't exactly a good thing, but I've come to accept that as a fact. My fault for being an idiot, even the best of friends would forsake you for being that way.
Not even considered friends anymore? I sure know you by name, you know mine too, but what we used to have, is it all gone? Or at least chucked into one corner of the memory data bank? Either way, it's no longer as good as before and honestly, it hardly affects me anymore, somehow I got past that.
But LOL, there's someone in YJC that looks extremely like you, walks and behaves like you. And I completely do not know that person at all, neither does she know me, but we've passed by each other many times and it's super awkward LOL. Just being random here, it's not the same person anyway. I remember talking about clones before. It's just not original, you wouldn't acknowledge the clone as how you knew the original.
OK, it's over, dead and gone, not going to harp anymore on it.
Life's definitely way better now than during that period of time. Sure, sometimes it was sweet, but most of the time it was hellish, or at least I took it that way.
But lately, there have been several occurrences that wasn't exactly pleasant. Sure they probably were small things, but I kicked up a huge fuss in my mind, like I always do.
I've been trying to keep them to myself, not talking about it lest it only makes certain friendships worse. LOL Bottles! ><
Not doing so successfully lately. The ill feelings start to show, and I start doing stupid things, sometimes directed at you, and now you seem slightly unhappy as well. In fact, I feel that perhaps talking about it with you would be better? Compared to being pissed and cold at you, I think it's best if we talked it out. I suppose.
I'm starting to think that I'm being too calculative over certain things. But its just so frustrating that, even after almost a year, spending so much time in school and in the school library, we're still not better off.
Seems to be the case only with you. And I don't know why.
Sure, in school, I tend to laugh, joke and talk about. But at the end of everyday, I still feel so incompetent, ugly, unappreciated and invisible. In the end there's always someone better in mind.
Someone smarter. Someone who can play the guitar way better. Someone funnier. Someone more handsome. Someone who can talk better. Someone who is actually cool. Someone useful. Someone who is perfect in every way.
Don't know why it's like this, but I doubt I can take it much longer. Maybe tomorrow.. ><
Maybe.
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Wow, longest post in a long long time. Wonder who will take up the challenge and read all the way till here? XD
OK, gearing up for the long long Friday.
What if things go awry again?
No, they don't go awry. You yourself make them so, by thinking so.
One thing's for sure: Can't wait for Saturday!! X)
